Call me, maybe

Hey Seoul… it’s been pretty cool hanging out here so far. Your food is awesome. I particularly love the barbeque pork, and the kimchi,…

And the food stalls and night markets, with the outdoor grilling and dining…

…And the crazy ice cream you eat out of a bent cone that looks like a saxophone.

Your sights are pretty cool, too. For example, here’s a 12th century palace with a mountain behind it.

And here’s a beautiful ancient pagoda in a nice autumnal setting.

Those are all really neat, and I appreciate what you’ve got going on here.

But people of Seoul, I have some advice for you: STOP STARING AT YOUR PHONE!

Waiting for the subway.

Sitting on the subway.

Young lovers in love…with their phones.

Only one of these people is not glued to their phone.

Wherever we go, trying to navigate your streets and subways, we can’t get around the throngs of people texting, watching movies, or reading – I don’t know…whatever – on their phones.

Look at this:

This guy is watching TV on his phone, on the subway. There’s even a little antenna! I’ve seen this a bunch of times. We’re in the midst of the Korean baseball championship right now, so maybe I’ll let this pass.

I don’t have a picture to show you, but imagine this: on a crowded subway car full of people looking at their phones, when there’s a sudden jolt or stop or turn, everyone just falls into everyone else like dominos. It’s happened to us several times, and it’s hilarious.

So you really want to use your phone? I have some productive solutions.

For example, you can call the Korean McDonald’s and have them deliver you a McBulgogi burger. That’s gotta be delicious, because it’s sweetly marinated barbecued beef. At least that’s how our guide book describes bulgolgi. How McDonald’s prepares it is a different question altogether.

Or call your local Seoul KFC and get the “MaxX.” The picture’s not that great, but look closely – NO BUN, ALL MEAT! – that’s a grilled piece of chicken between two pieces of fried chicken, with cheese and bacon. Nobody can tell me American exceptionalism is on the wane.

(We haven’t eaten either of these sandwiches yet, but I’m making a point of trying out regional burger varieties, particularly McDonald’s.)

Or you can call this lady. I saw this business card lying on a sidewalk on a Friday night outside of a bar. Her business card is promoting some kind of good or service, but I can’t honestly tell you what she’s selling because I can’t read hangul (the Korean lettering).

Or this one – if there’s a water problem in a public restroom, just call the Korean Toilet Association. They really exist, and I bet you can call them. Perhaps you can even speak with the Chairman of the Korean Toilet Association, who I imagine is named Loo Waters. I wonder how they answer: “Hello, KTA Hotline…what’s the nature of your toilet emergency?”

Speaking of toilets, you can call the Korean home shopping network, and BUY a toilet.

Look, there’s even a bidet feature. It’s pretty much a steal at 209,000 won…

And while we’re watching TV, you can call Korean Idol and vote for your favorite contestant.

Don’t let Korean Simon Cowell persuade your voting, everyone knows it’s his job to be the bad guy.

(This guy may not have made the cut. Just look at him, trying to keep his cool. But you know he just wants to strangle Korean Simon Cowell for the raw criticism of his heartfelt performance.)

Also, keeping with the TV theme: PLEASE use your phones to Google why Solid Gold is still on in Korea…

Is Loverboy still big over here? Or the Romantics? Better yet, why do I keep referencing 80’s bands that wore red leather outfits?

Totally unrelated, but this guy is awesome.

He CAN call me, and we WILL hang out, talk about tough guy stuff, and intimidate people with our tough guy looks.

Wait a minute. Oh no…

Oh goodness, not you, too…

Okay, fine.

Perhaps I should just accept that this, too, is part of Korean culture. Great food, incredible sights, and everything Samsung. Plus your own toilet association. Thanks for hosting us, Seoul. Give us a call sometime. Next stop: The DMZ.