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See you in Taipei!

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Hello Mom!

After five days in Beijing, we’re now in Taipei, Taiwan. Sorry we couldn’t update you while in China – as you likely know, the internet is a bit wonky over there. No Facebook, no Twitter, no New York Times. In fact, here’s what our blog looked like:

Censored in China

No photos, apparently. And while e-mail worked for us, it took a long time to load and had glitches. So now we’re in Taiwan, back online, and ready to give you a Beijing report…

On our arrival, we met our fantastic driver, John Yellow Car. That’s what he calls himself, and if you search Youtube, you’ll find John hawking his services.

He speaks great English (especially compared to my Mandarin), he’s incredibly personable, and was a big help to us the first couple of days here. John Yellow Car – whose car is white, by the way – picked us up, and took us for a drive through Tiananmen Square. Here we got a quick glance of the infamous plaza with the massive portrait of Chairman Mao, the Great Hall of the People, and Mao’s Mausoleum. I turned to Amy: “Oh man, I’d really like to see the embalmed body of Chairman Mao.” Then I added, “I bet I can buy a bust of him here.”

First a little backstory about why we came to Beijing. If you’ve read our “About Us” page, you’ll know that Amy’s top goal for this trip was to take me to the Great Wall of China, and I definitely wanted to see it. But what I wanted from China is completely different. What I wanted was a bust of Chairman Mao.

When I went to Vietnam about five years ago, I bought a gold-painted bust of Ho Chi Minh on a lark. Since then, I’ve decided to collect the entire set of communist revolutionaries and strong-arm dictators – Ho Chi Minh, Mao, Lenin, Stalin – whoever fits the bill. People who know me well know that I collect posters and art prints, so I also thought I should look for some good Maoist propaganda posters in China, but:

A – I already have some from a stop in Hong Kong on that trip five years ago, and,

B – If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain’t gonna make it with anyone anyhow.

On Friday, I got my chance. We walked from our hotel to Tiananmen Square, and seeing fast-moving lines, I told Amy I’d like to go through the Mausoleum. Sure, Mao died in 1978, but people line up to see his body every day. I figured, after 35 years lying vacuum-sealed like a bunch of Omaha Steaks, I wanted to see how the Great Leader was holding up.

No pictures are allowed inside, but here’s what happens: after you go through security, all the party faithful (which you better be if you’re Chinese) buy a yellow rose conveniently sold inside. Then you slowly and silently file into the building to find a massive statue of Mao seated and smiling to his comrades. Here the yellow roses are laid on a special platform, which is about three feet deep in roses. Then you reverently head into the actual mausoleum, and there he is, in a big glass box, resting comfortably under a blanket with only his head, receding hairline, and shoulders exposed. He looks, well, pinkish and waxen, like an old bar of Avon soap left in the guest bathroom, but surprisingly good for a man who’s been dead since Love Boat was on television. Then you all quietly file out of the building, and as with all great institutions – airports, mental hospitals, the Korean DMZ – the Mao Mausoleum has a gift shop, and I went.

There were all sorts of plaques and photos, buttons, medallions, bookmarks, even watches – everything Mao. Including this:

That’s a key-chain I bought for Amy. And you know what else they had? Porcelain busts. Porcelain busts of Chairman Mao. But I didn’t buy one. Why? It cost 200 yuan, about $33. That’s pretty expensive for China, and I’m pretty sure you can’t haggle at the Mao Mausoleum. And our next stop was the Pearl Market, where you can get just about anything and negotiate for it. So I decided to bide my time, and we took a bicycle rickshaw to the market.

You can get clothes, sneakers, handbags, electronics (all of them knock-offs), and all kinds of Chinese souvenirs – including porcelain Mao busts. I found one I liked, and started negotiating. But the woman selling it wasn’t going as low as I hoped. She claimed the one I wanted was exceptional quality porcelain, and that I needed to up my price. I held firm, and she lowered, but not enough. She wouldn’t even go under the 200 yuan price given at the Mausoleum itself. Eventually, she countered with another, different bust of Mao, but this one made of a lower-quality porcelain.

Apparently, some porcelain is better than others.

In retrospect, I wish I had the haggling skills of my father, who’s made a profession of nickel and diming car salesman. Or my friend Ari, who I once saw get a reduced price AND an upgrade at Enterprise Rent-A-Car by repeatedly saying, “if I’d have known that, I would have gone to Hertz.” I knew we were never going to agree on the high-quality porcelain, so I turned to the lesser quality one. And after a few minutes, still standing firm, I became the proud owner of a porcelain Mao bust, for the low price of 125 yuan.

The next day, Saturday, it was time for Amy’s objective. We got up early and met James, our guide for the Great Wall of China. We were going to visit a part of the wall that’s a little further afield, less traveled, and more difficult to climb. And it’s not even supposed to be open to tourists, but James knows the locals. It was fantastic.

We spent several hours walking, climbing, and learning about the history of the wall along with another couple from Australia. It was really fascinating, and James was a great guide. Then it was time for lunch, which we enjoyed with this incredible view:

And for dessert, a Snickers bar. I took a bite. And then – DISASTER!! Something wrong happened in my mouth. A strange feeling. And I discovered my front porcelain crown had snapped off into the Snickers bar. OH THE HUMANITY!

Apparently, some porcelain is better than others.

If I’d have known that, I would have gone to Hertz. I mean, really?! The Great Wall of China has stood for nearly 500 years, but my damn crown crumbled in less than twenty. Hell, Chairman Mao’s corpse has lasted almost twice as long as that crown. (Interesting fun fact: 1978, the year of Mao’s death, may have been the year I knocked out my front teeth on the side of a swimming pool. Coincidence? Eerie!)

I realized it was just one of those things, and with no other options, we ventured onward, with the remains of the porcelain crown safely thrown into a bottle of pills. Here’s Amy and me together after – please enjoy this iconic photo taken on the Great Wall of China:

Eventually a fantastic day of hiking the wall was over, and we were driven back to the hotel to contend with the remnants of my broken crown. So what to do? We went out and bought Chinese SuperGlue. That’s right – I super-glued the sonuvabitch back onto the post. It’s not perfect, but it works, at least temporarily. It’s not like I was going to some Chinese dentist (and boy, do I want to tell a really old joke about what time the appointment would’ve been if I had…).

The next day outside the Forbidden City

So we’re in Taipei as I write this, and we’re working on getting a dental appointment. Hopefully I’ll get a new crown, and all will be good with the world. We’ll keep you updated on what happens. And as for Beijing – well, Amy finally got to take me to the Great Wall, and I got a porcelain bust, and some busted porcelain. We both got what we wanted – at a price. But we’ll always have a good story to tell, and a reminder sitting quietly on the shelf, head and shoulders only, for the next 35 years and beyond…

We ate this. (Be sure to play the video.)

Before:

After:

More proof:

These were caught by the Haenyeo, Jeju’s lady free divers. We saw them in action yesterday. The women of Jeju have been doing this for centuries…diving with no oxygen tanks, gathering seaweed, shellfish (conch, abalone), octopus, anything edible. They share their catch and the profits. They can hold their breath for up to two minutes and work year-round, despite the weather. Many of the Hanyeo are 60 or older. No offense, Mom, but I can’t imagine you and the aunties doing this. But maybe you should try it?

We ate two abalone and a conch. Added a bit of soy or hot sauce and it was sushi! Slightly chewy and rubbery sushi, almost crunchy in the case of the conch. But it was a fun experience and we supported the Haenyeo, who were very nice. They gave John a conch shell!

A few days ago we celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary, and anyone who knows us well knows October 29th is always exciting for us.

On our wedding day in 2011, the northeast of the United States was blanketed by a freak snowstorm. Travel in and around Philadelphia was nearly impossible, our wedding was delayed, and some guests had to cancel. Later, a good friend sent me this as a gift, a satellite photo of our wedding day.

The next year, on October 29, 2012 – our first anniversary – the northeast of the United States was hit by the storm of the century: Superstorm Sandy. This was not just a hurricane combined with a blizzard. This was a “superstorm.” On our first anniversary. Here’s that satellite image:

Many people assumed God has it out for us. Most wanted to know what would happen for our 2nd Anniversary. A small number, mostly in the northeast of the United States, told us to get out of the country on October 29th. We clearly complied with these requests.

Overseas, and with no natural disasters facing us, we decided to confront a man-made disaster. For our 2nd wedding anniversary, I took my wife to North Korea.

A few days ago, Amy and I went to the DMZ, the borderline no-man’s land where North meets South in a fantastic display of military strength, propaganda, and posturing. Let me start by saying there won’t be a lot of photos in this post. One thing they don’t let you do in what’s still considered an active war zone is take a lot of pictures. We were heading to the one place in the DMZ where the two sides actually meet head-to-head, a small compound called Panmunjeom that’s used for armistice talks and prisoner exchanges. It’s fascinating.

It all started out with a one-hour bus ride north of Seoul. Our tour guide Gina told us the history of the Korean conflict, and some background of the DMZ. We also had the chance to ask questions to a recent North Korean defector who now works for the tour company. She, her sister, and her children all escaped via China, after planning silently for three years! She didn’t even tell her husband, who she left behind. There wasn’t a lot mentioned about the husband personally, other than his being a pro-government guy, and by the sounds of it all, a bit of a turd (my word, not hers, clearly). Apparently they had about 2 hours of electricity a day, and little to eat. Like every mother, she wanted a better life for her kids.

We made a stop at Imjingak, a peace park very near the border. Since this is the closest a South Korean can get to North Korea, they come here to hang ribbons in honor of their ancestors and families stuck somewhere on the other side of that river, hopeful that some day they’ll be reunited.

Here we learned there’s a genuine desire among the South Koreans for a unified country. They’ve actually spent all kinds of money on a rail line to Pyongyang, with the hope that it will eventually open – it just sits there crossing the river into North Korea. I hope they’ve rust-proofed the hell out of it, because it doesn’t look like it’s going to get used anytime soon. But again, it’s a symbol of hope for the South Korean people.

And then, of course, a reminder of the present-day reality as a platoon of South Korean soldiers moseyed up next the park, out on patrol, and likely posturing for the other side.

(By the way, if you’re one of my old high school buddies who served in the military, don’t give me any crap about platoons or patrols or whatever – you’re right, I have no clue. Now shut up.)

After the peace park, it was off to the main event – the DMZ. Again, no photos while on the United Nations base. After a number of checkpoints, we were handed over from Gina to US Army Private Martinez of the Bronx, who checked everyone’s passports against a pre-submitted manifest. Then past another checkpoint, and off to Panmunjeom. Google it. It’s a small area the size of your parents’ backyard where they literally face off every day in a fantastic display of military posturing. And while it’s not active every day, it’s a real, honest-to-God front which could erupt at any moment. There have actually been a few times since the end of the war when people have been killed in this “neutral” zone – two by AXE MURDER!

And we went there. As tourists. On our anniversary.

We were led into the main conference room building, which spans North and South. Both sides are allowed in this building, and hold talks at a table that sits right on the border. It’s the only place on the peninsula where the North can go into the South, and the South can go into the North. Private Martinez told us what I just told you. And then he gave us the thumbs-up on photos – it’s not like the North Koreans don’t know what it looks like.

That’s us in North Korea, next to a South Korean guard.

This is a picture I took in North Korea, looking back into South Korea. I think you can make out the borderline, that cement slab. We’re literally in North Korea looking into South Korea.

This is a selfie of us in North Korea. NORTH KOREA. Hi, Mom. We’re fine.

This is another South Korean guard, who probably would have strangled me with his bare hands if he knew I took this picture surreptitiously. I found out later I wasn’t supposed to do that.

This is the main table, right on the border. The guard is spanning the border.

Then we were led outside, “safely” back in South Korea, where Private Martinez gave us an extensive briefing about the site in full view of the North Koreans. Again, he gave us the go-ahead to take photos. Take a look:

This was the North Korean guard who was checking us out the entire time.

I swear, at one point while I was zoomed in taking a picture, he was focused in on me, specifically.

We’d been in NORTH KOREA. Wild. Then we returned to the UN base on the DMZ.

Like all great institutions – art museums, mental hospitals, airports, and fancy hotels – the DMZ has a gift shop, and we went (again, no photos on the military base). You can get key chains, hats, t-shirts, Zippo lighters, ice cream, and coffee mugs; and through some kind of ridiculous agreement, they actually sell North Korean liquor there. You can buy “grape wine” (as opposed to rice wine, I guess), another “special” grape wine, and some kind of crappy brandy. I bought the grape wine.

How did it taste? Not good. Not good at all. Like bad communion wine (I assure you, Jewish friends – that ain’t good). And look – there’s things floating in it.

I couldn’t finish the glass. I dumped out the rest of it, and here’s what the bottle looked like:

Look at the crud left in the bottle. Gross. The North Koreans can’t even produce a decent drinkable table wine.

That’s twelve bucks down the drain. And here’s the first thought I had after I bought the grape wine: Did I just fund a fascist, human-rights abusing regime? Maybe. But Amy reminded me that the money raised is supposed to support reunification efforts, so…okay. I don’t know…

It was a surreal day. And also a bit of a sad day. Sure, we stepped into North Korea, and that’s pretty crazy. But imagine if we were never allowed to cross the Mason-Dixon line. What if you never saw your parents again? It’s sad. It was a novelty for us to do this, sure, a political anomaly. But for Korea, it’s a reality. I wish the best for both of these countries – one that will hopefully be freed from a long nightmare, and another that will finally be reunited with the people they love. It’s a long-shot, sure. But there’s always hope, even if it comes in the form of a small room in a neutral zone in the middle of no-man’s land.

Amy & Private Martinez

Another hotel room video!  Here’s our pad for the next 5 days in Jeju Island, South Korea.  Pretty awesome!  Enjoy!  Tales of our DMZ visit to come tomorrow…

Hey Seoul… it’s been pretty cool hanging out here so far. Your food is awesome. I particularly love the barbeque pork, and the kimchi,…

And the food stalls and night markets, with the outdoor grilling and dining…

…And the crazy ice cream you eat out of a bent cone that looks like a saxophone.

Your sights are pretty cool, too. For example, here’s a 12th century palace with a mountain behind it.

And here’s a beautiful ancient pagoda in a nice autumnal setting.

Those are all really neat, and I appreciate what you’ve got going on here.

But people of Seoul, I have some advice for you: STOP STARING AT YOUR PHONE!

Waiting for the subway.

Sitting on the subway.

Young lovers in love…with their phones.

Only one of these people is not glued to their phone.

Wherever we go, trying to navigate your streets and subways, we can’t get around the throngs of people texting, watching movies, or reading – I don’t know…whatever – on their phones.

Look at this:

This guy is watching TV on his phone, on the subway. There’s even a little antenna! I’ve seen this a bunch of times. We’re in the midst of the Korean baseball championship right now, so maybe I’ll let this pass.

I don’t have a picture to show you, but imagine this: on a crowded subway car full of people looking at their phones, when there’s a sudden jolt or stop or turn, everyone just falls into everyone else like dominos. It’s happened to us several times, and it’s hilarious.

So you really want to use your phone? I have some productive solutions.

For example, you can call the Korean McDonald’s and have them deliver you a McBulgogi burger. That’s gotta be delicious, because it’s sweetly marinated barbecued beef. At least that’s how our guide book describes bulgolgi. How McDonald’s prepares it is a different question altogether.

Or call your local Seoul KFC and get the “MaxX.” The picture’s not that great, but look closely – NO BUN, ALL MEAT! – that’s a grilled piece of chicken between two pieces of fried chicken, with cheese and bacon. Nobody can tell me American exceptionalism is on the wane.

(We haven’t eaten either of these sandwiches yet, but I’m making a point of trying out regional burger varieties, particularly McDonald’s.)

Or you can call this lady. I saw this business card lying on a sidewalk on a Friday night outside of a bar. Her business card is promoting some kind of good or service, but I can’t honestly tell you what she’s selling because I can’t read hangul (the Korean lettering).

Or this one – if there’s a water problem in a public restroom, just call the Korean Toilet Association. They really exist, and I bet you can call them. Perhaps you can even speak with the Chairman of the Korean Toilet Association, who I imagine is named Loo Waters. I wonder how they answer: “Hello, KTA Hotline…what’s the nature of your toilet emergency?”

Speaking of toilets, you can call the Korean home shopping network, and BUY a toilet.

Look, there’s even a bidet feature. It’s pretty much a steal at 209,000 won…

And while we’re watching TV, you can call Korean Idol and vote for your favorite contestant.

Don’t let Korean Simon Cowell persuade your voting, everyone knows it’s his job to be the bad guy.

(This guy may not have made the cut. Just look at him, trying to keep his cool. But you know he just wants to strangle Korean Simon Cowell for the raw criticism of his heartfelt performance.)

Also, keeping with the TV theme: PLEASE use your phones to Google why Solid Gold is still on in Korea…

Is Loverboy still big over here? Or the Romantics? Better yet, why do I keep referencing 80’s bands that wore red leather outfits?

Totally unrelated, but this guy is awesome.

He CAN call me, and we WILL hang out, talk about tough guy stuff, and intimidate people with our tough guy looks.

Wait a minute. Oh no…

Oh goodness, not you, too…

Okay, fine.

Perhaps I should just accept that this, too, is part of Korean culture. Great food, incredible sights, and everything Samsung. Plus your own toilet association. Thanks for hosting us, Seoul. Give us a call sometime. Next stop: The DMZ.

Went on an awesome food tour last night in and around the Insadong neighborhood in Seoul.  Lots of great food and factoids about Seoul food and culture.  We also learned some fun drinking games.  But one of the funniest moments of the night is when we stopped at this shop where they made home-made honey candy.  These guys should have their own show.  Enjoy a little Friday Funny!  WOW!

Yesterday we left Japan and arrived in Seoul, South Korea for a two-week stay in this country. We truly enjoyed our time in Japan, an entire month spent visiting some cities we’d never been to and experiencing some things we’d never seen. It was really great, and as ridiculous as it sounds, we can’t wait to go back (after stopping in a few other places first). In honor of our time there, I give you our version of “Japan: By the Numbers.”

Days in Japan: 27
Cities/Towns visited: 7 (Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka, Noboribetsu, Niseko, Sapporo, Otaru)
Various Accommodation: 10 (five hotels, two apartments rentals, one condo rental, one “onsen” resort, and one “capsule ryokan.”)
Forms of Transportation: 9 (plane, train, commuter rail, subway, bus, taxi, bicycle, foot, and…monorail!)

Current exchange rate: Approx. 100 Yen to US $1
Largest coin in Japanese circulation: 500 Yen (about $5 US)
Number of 1 Yen and 5 Yen pieces you actually use: none
Average amount of cash in change you’ll have in your pocket: $25
Number of cold green teas bought from vending machines to get rid of change: innumberable

iPhones lost on airport busses: 1
iPhones recovered from airport bus companies: 1
Times Amy told me “try not to be stupid”: 1

Octopus-on-a-stick eaten: 2

Sea snails eaten: 2

Jellyfish eaten: 1
Cod sperm in a rice bowl eaten: 1 (came with the rice bowl, not specifically ordered, or enjoyed, for that matter.)

Number of visits to McDonalds: 1 (try the delicious “McPepper.” Hamburger, hash brown, and an au poivre sauce. It’s like Smith & Wollensky on a bun.)

Meals featuring “The Genghis Khan,” where you cook your own lamb: 1

Days your sweater smells like lamb after eating the Genghis Khan: 3
Cost of dry cleaning a sweater: about $8

Cost of gourmet organic grapes: $50 (not purchased)
Cost of French’s Yellow Mustard (squirt bottle): $4 (not purchased)
Cost of a can of Campbell’s Tomato Soup: $3 (not purchased)
Cost of a bag of six tofu donuts: $3 (purchased and consumed immediately)

Cost of a glass of wine: about $7
Cost of a beer: about $7
Cost of a mixed drink: about $6 (this surprised me. It’s cheaper to get a cocktail than a beer).
Cost of a glass of milk: no idea.

Minutes spent mesmerized as candy was pulled by hand in a Tokyo food hall: 25
Number of times we ran into this demonstration thereafter: 3 to 4
Time spent watching at last viewing: 20 seconds passing by

Number of Sumo matches attended: 1

Number of Japanese Baseball games viewed live on TV: 3

Number of Manchester United matches viewed live on TV: 2
Number of those matches viewed by Amy: zero

Various Random One-offs:
One typhoon suffered (if “suffering” means walking around a pedestrian mall all day)
One karaoke in a kimonos
One street interview by Japanese TV (no idea when or where that aired)
One slightly tipsy 3am walk home in Sapporo (John only)
One visit to hair salon in Tokyo (Amy only)
One witnessing of a hooker getting picked up at the Grand Hyatt Tokyo
One witnessing of Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson at the Grand Hyatt Tokyo (unrelated)

It was a good month.

Sayonara, Japan. The civility of your culture, the friendliness of your people, and the vitality of your everyday life are something we’ve likely taken for granted during our stay. Arigato gozaimasu.

As we prepare to leave the wonderful and magical Japan on Wednesday, here are some funny signs we’ve encountered these last four weeks.  I think it might be funnier if you guys insert the captions.  Can’t wait to read them!