Crosstown Traffic

JUST IMAGINE IT…

After an early four-hour train ride from Boston, you and your wife pull into New York’s Penn Station, get your luggage, and start heading to the taxi stand. It’s August, and about 90 degrees. You’re layered in sweat, tired, and grumpy. A shady man approaches you: “Where are you going?”

“We’re just going to the taxi stand.”
“I have a taxi. Where are you going?”
“We’re going to the taxi stand, thank you.”
“Where do you need to go?”
“We’re going to the taxi stand.”
“Tourist information is over there.”
“Thank you. But we’re going to the taxi stand.”
“I can take you to tourist information.”
“No, thank you.”
“I have a taxi. Do you need a hotel room? Where are you going?”
“No, thank you.”

Another man approaches you, and looks your wife up and down. “Do you need a taxi?”
“Thank you, but we’re just going to use the taxi stand.”
“The taxi stand is closed today. Where are you going?”
“Thank you, but we’re going to the taxi stand.”
“The taxi stand burnt down. Come with me.”
“No!”
“I have a taxi. Come with me.”
“No!”

Another man approaches you.
“Where are you going? Train tickets are available across the street, I can take you there.”
“No, thank you, we’re going to the taxi stand.”
“The tourist ticket window is across the street, two blocks from this station.”
“No it’s not, there’s a sign for it right there – I can see it – and we don’t need tickets, we’re going to the taxi stand.”
“That window is not for tourists.”
“So why does it say ‘TOURIST TICKET WINDOW?’”
“I have a taxi. Where are you going?”
“Get away from me.”

You finally reach the taxi stand, and the first cabbie comes up to you. “Where are you going?”
“We need to go to the Marriott Marquis, in Times Square. Do you know where it is?”
“Yes, get in.”
“You know where it is?”
“Yes, get in.”
“So you know the Marriott Marquis?”
“Yes, get in.”
“How much to get there?”
“For the two of you? One-hundred dollars.”
“One-hundred?! No way! I’ll give you five dollars.”
“Okay, two people, eighty dollars.”
“No, no, no. It’s the same cab, one or two people. You’re ridiculous.”
“Fifty dollars, that’s a good price.”
“I’ll pay seven dollars at most, it’s not that far.”
“Okay, twenty dollars.”
“Ten.”
“Fifteen dollars is a good price.”
“C’mon. Ten dollars. The hotel is only 20 blocks from here.”
“Fifteen.”
“Ten dollars. There’s other cabbies here…”
A brief silence, and then the driver grudgingly waves you into his cab.

After you help the cabbie tie your luggage to the roof of his broken down Dodge Colt, you turn North on to Seventh Avenue. There is no air-conditioning in the cab, the windows only roll down so far, and the constant honking of horns seeps in as you enter traffic – your cab, the surrounding cabs, cars, trucks, scooters, bicycles…anything with wheels is honking its horn regularly. The cabbie turns to you. “Do you have a card for the hotel, with the address?”
[HONK]
“It’s the Marriott Marquis, in Times Square.”
“Marquis?”
[HONK]
“The Marriott Marquis…Times Square!! [HONK] You said you knew where it was!”
“Times Square?”
“YES. [HONK] It’s one of the city’s [HONK] best known [HONK] tourist hotels [HONK] in the biggest [HONK] tourist area [HONK] of the city. The MARY-OTT [HONK] MAR-KEE [HONK] TIMES SQUARE!!”
“Marquis Times Square?”
[HONK] [HONK]
“YES!!”

The driver gets to 34th Street [HONK] and pulls over to a newsstand. He calls the vendor over. [HONK] All you can overhear them say is “Marquis Times Square.” There’s a lot of pointing, [HONK] and hand gestures. A group of people gathers around, [HONK] looking in the windows at you as if you’re a zoo animal. [HONK] Your wife is of particular interest. [HONK] Someone leans in: “Where are you going?” You ignore him. [HONK] Hands indicate left turns, right turns. Nodding. [HONK] The cabbie gets back in.
“Marriott Times Square?”
[HONK]
“YES! The Marriott Marquis Times Square! Jeez Louise!…”

[ed note: you are also trying very hard not to swear, because you gave up swearing for Lent. Even though in this scenario, it’s August… But we digress…]

At the corner of 39th and Seventh, [HONK] the driver pulls over and yells something [HONK] out the window. Another guy comes up and leans in, looks at you, stares at your wife, and then chats with the driver. [HONK] They have a lengthy conversation. [HONK] You’re stopped next to a bus which is blowing its exhaust in your window, and you may never [HONK] get to the hotel. Just as he’s about to pull out, [HONK] the other guy sticks his head back in the window again, [HONK] and they speak for another 30 seconds, without any concern for your presence, [HONK] or care about the delay at your expense. [HONK] Finally you’re on your way. [HONK]

The driver pulls out, [HONK] and continues up 7th Avenue, approaching 42nd Street. “Hey, would you guys like to do some shopping? [HONK] We can stop along the way, [HONK] there’s this great overpriced [HONK] tourist shop ahead, with I LOVE NY t-shirts [HONK] and Statue of Liberty mugs and crap. [HONK] My [HONK] brother-in-law [HONK] owns it [HONK] and I’ll get [HONK] a cut [HONK] if I take you [HONK] there [HONK] and [HONK] you [HONK] buy [HONK] some [HONK] overpriced [HONK] crap.”
“No, just to the hotel please.”
[HONK]
“Or we can go shopping in Brooklyn, there’s a big mall. [HONK] I’ll take you there now, before you go to the hotel.”
“NO!”
[HONK]
“No shopping?”
“No shopping, please – just go to the hotel.”
[HONK]
“You can just take a look, you don’t have to buy anything… Just look…”
[HONK]
“NO!! To the hotel!”

At 43rd Street, the cabbie pulls over, gets out, and takes a leak, in broad daylight, on a Duane Reade storefront, leaving you stranded in the sweltering Dodge for a minute or so. [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] He gets back in and continues driving. You thank God for the slight breeze.

“So, what are you guys doing tomorrow?”
[HONK]
“We’re not sure, [HONK] we just got in and we’re tired.”
“You gonna go sightseeing, maybe take a tour?”
“We’re not sure, really.”
[HONK]
“I can take you up to Grant’s Tomb, [HONK] down to Wall Street, [HONK] Ground Zero, whatever. Only 500 bucks for the full-day tour.”
“No, thank you, [HONK] just the hotel please.”
“Okay, only 400 bucks, or 200 for a half-day tour. [HONK] That’s a good price. I can take you there. [HONK] So, pick you up tomorrow morning at the Marquis Square?”
“No, just take us to the hotel, please, no tours!”
[HONK]

Turning East on 46th Street, the driver hits the back of an ice cream cart, spilling a half-dozen Strawberry Shortcakes onto the steaming pavement. [HONK] The ice cream vendor comes running over. [HONK] [HONK] The cabbie and the ice cream vendor start yelling at each other, blocking traffic. [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] A crowd gathers. [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] A stray dog licks the ice cream. The spat continues, there’s much gesticulating, and finally they back off, [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] yelling at each other and cursing, [HONK] but neither really making a point, or winning the argument. But the scene is fantastic. [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] And now the traffic is worse. [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] [HONK]

Halfway down the block, the cabbie turns back to you. “Whattya say we call it 30 bucks, huh? [HONK] Why don’t you just pay me thirty bucks for the ride? It’s been like five miles already…”
[HONK]
“No it hasn’t – and we agreed on ten dollars.”
“C’mon, make it thirty bucks. [HONK] C’mon, I’m just a cab driver, and you’re an investment banker.”
[HONK]
“What? We said ten bucks.”
[HONK]
“But you’re a fund manager!”
“No, I’m not. And we agreed on ten bucks.”
“C’mon mister…Thirty bucks?”
[HONK]
“No. We said ten.”
[HONK]

At last you reach the Marriott Marquis, and the cabbie cuts off a lane of traffic to pull up to the curb, nearly knocking over an elderly lady with a cart of groceries. [HONK] [HONK] [HONK] You unload all your bags – all six of them, [HONK] including two large duffel bags – onto the curb, [HONK] while the cabbie sits impatiently in his seat, waiting for you to get all the bags out by yourself. You give him a twenty-dollar bill. He looks at you.

“I don’t have any change.”
“For a twenty?! You’re a cabbie, right?!”
“We’ll just call it twenty bucks.”
“No, give me my change!”
“I don’t have any change. Make it twenty dollars, okay?”

You storm inside the hotel and make change at reception, while your wife starts to check in. You head out to the waiting taxi, and approach the driver, handing him a ten-spot.

“Here you go. Thank you.”
“So, pick you up tomorrow? Ground Zero tour?”
“No, no thank you. No tour.”
“What about shopping?”
“No, no shopping. Thank you again.”
“How about my tip?”
“What?!”
“My tip…”

Now add cows to the equation.
WELCOME TO INDIA!!