Monthly Archives: November 2014

WE’RE BACK!

Here are the answers to all of the questions you sent us over the last two weeks:

You’re taking a cruise back to the USA?

JOHN: Yeah, we decided to pamper ourselves on the final leg of the journey, and come home a bit more relaxed after 420 days on the road. No jetlag, no airport madness, and our parents with us as well, which was an added bonus. Amy has more to say about this…

AMY: We knew John’s parents were joining us but then my mom surprised us! She just showed up at dinner the first night on the ship. I was speechless. It’s been an amazing 7-day, trans-Atlantic journey with our parents on the QM2!

How many countries did you visit? What were they?

AMY: We visited 42 countries plus Hong Kong (which John thinks should count as a separate country, but it’s not…it’s China). The countries were (in order): Japan, South Korea, North Korea, Taiwan, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, Myanmar, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, New Zealand, Australia, India, South Africa, Zimbabwe, Botswana, Argentina, Uruguay, Chile, Brazil, Spain, Portugal, France, Monaco, Italy, Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Montenegro, Hungary, Austria, Germany, Luxembourg, Belgium, England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, and Northern Ireland.

JOHN: We were only in North Korea for a few minutes, during our DMZ tour, but we’re counting that. Our visit to Slovenia consisted of lunch, and Monaco was a day trip. Everywhere else we actually spent a night, a week, or a month…

‪No visits to Russia, Turkey, Egypt, Dubai, Scandinavia, Morocco, Iceland, Cuba, Maldives, et cetera? Trip #2 somewhere in the future?‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

JOHN: This is a question we get all the time – why didn’t you go to (fill-in-the-blank)? There’s just too much world, unfortunately, and we had some event deadlines to meet, so time was a limiting factor as well. Those are all places we’d like to go, but they didn’t fit into our plans this time around. I’ve actually been to Russia, Turkey, Egypt, and Morocco before, and Amy and I spent nine days in Scandanavia in early 2013. As far as Trip #2 – sometime, we hope, but it wouldn’t be on the same scale, and certainly not very soon.

AMY: We might go to Russia for the 2018 World Cup!

How come you didn’t go to Greece?

JOHN: We’re going to Greece! My parents had a home in Greece, and I actually went to grade school and high school in Greece. So the day after Thanksgiving, we’re heading to Greece to see some of my high school buddies. Greece is awesome!

AMY: Greece, New York, that is. Right near Lima, New York and not far from Rome, New York. Very exotic.

Does it feel weird to be coming home?

AMY: Not yet. I’m really excited to be coming home. But ask me again after a week…it might feel weird then.

JOHN: It seems a little weird that everything’s coming to an end, but I’m more excited to get home.

Where will you be laying your heads upon your return?

AMY: We’ll be bouncing around between NYC, New Jersey, Rochester and Philly for the holidays. Staying with family until Christmas, at least.

Are you going to bask in family for the holidays?

JOHN: Absolutely. We’re both close with our families, and we’re looking forward to the holidays and seeing everyone after a year away.

What are your plans when you get back?

JOHN: Well, this is the big question. We’re both starting to look for jobs, and things sort-of depend on what kind of work we can find, and where those jobs might be located. Either we’ll make a move based on a job offer, or we’ll just settle somewhere and get jobs locally. Right now we’re leaning towards Maine, likely Portland.

AMY: Plans for when we get back… Well, the ship pulled into the Brooklyn Cruise Terminal early this morning (Wednesday). We’re seeing my sisters for lunch, then we have to go to the Verizon store and get phones. We have 4pm dentist appointments. After, we’ll have drinks and dinner at our favorite neighborhood spots. And I’m getting my hair done on Thursday. Very excited for that! And drinks with all of you Friday night at the Galway Pub, right?

I’m guessing you must be somewhat looking forward to “sitting still” for a while when you’re back…

AMY: Well, we can’t sit still for too long…we need to find jobs! And we’ve been relaxing on the ship this past week. It’s been the perfect way to end the trip. I’m actually ready to hit the ground running when we get home. In addition to the job search and the house hunt, we have a ton of doctors appointments and a ton of friends to see!

When does the pretirement officially end? Are you giving yourselves some R&R on native soil until after the holidays?

JOHN: Pre-tirement “officially” ends when we get back to work. But yes, we’ll likely be relaxing in between the job hunt, the holiday visits, doctors appointments, and getting our affairs in order after a year away.

Once you’ve settled a bit what is the first thing you want to do in terms of relaxation American-style?

AMY: Sit on a sofa on Sunday afternoon and watch football in my pajamas with a cold beer and good snacks!

JOHN: I want a nice hot shower in a regulation-sized bathroom, followed by binge-watching all the TV shows we missed.

What is one thing that you missed so much and are dying to do in NYC when you return?

AMY: See above. I really miss lazing around on the weekends and doing nothing.

JOHN: Sushi at our favorite neighborhood place, and a beer with our favorite bartender at our corner bar.

What do you want to eat first when you’re back?

AMY: Sushi at Japonica on 12th & University.

JOHN: Tacos. Two “Chipotle Guaco-Locos” from San Loco in NYC.

What would be on your menu of choice for your homecoming given all the exotic stuff you have eaten?

AMY: I’m just excited for some home-cooking! With lots of fresh veggies…we couldn’t eat them in Asia and you can barely find them in the UK; it’s all potatoes (fried, mashed, and otherwise).

JOHN: Those tacos. Two “Chipotle Guaco-Locos” from San Loco in NYC. [Editor’s Note: it turned out to be a lunch of three Carne Asada Tacos at Los Tacos.]

Amy, first thing you want to bake? Do you even miss it?

AMY: I really miss baking! We could cook once in a while at various apartments we rented, but we couldn’t bake (too many specialized ingredients, pans, et cetera). The first thing I will most likely bake is my grandmom’s chocolate cake with orange icing. It’s an easy recipe (gotta start slow…get my sea legs again) and it brings back lots of memories of home and family. I also told my sister-in-law Beth that I’d make some desserts for Thanksgiving, so maybe a pie or two.

JOHN: And I miss eating them.

Will you completely retire all clothing items from the duffel bag upon return?

AMY: Most of them, yes. I want to set them on fire, but John says we should donate them. Some of them have holes and stains that won’t come out though, so I don’t know. I have a shirt that literally has a bat-shit stain on it from Mumbai.

JOHN: I’ll likely donate a few things, but most of my stuff is just fine, and I just want to give them a good American-style power-washing with a gallon of Tide.

Anything you look forward to buying for your wardrobe once you hit the States?

AMY: Yes, everything! All of our clothes are in storage along with our furniture, so we might not get it for a while. I’ll probably need to buy some job interview clothes pretty soon…

JOHN: Not really. I’m fine with what I’ve got, believe it or not.

Did you get anything on the trip that you’ll be sad you can’t get at home?

AMY: We discovered these little tea cakes in Edinburgh that we couldn’t stop buying/eating. They’re like Mallowmars but better. It’s probably a good thing that we won’t be able to get them in the States!

JOHN: Tunnock’s Tea Cakes are awesome. And I love Mos Burger in Japan, a great fast food place.

Did you ever run out of money? And, did you bring it all with you or use your ATM card? Are there still traveler’s checks?

JOHN: It was pretty easy, actually. We used ATMs everywhere, and credit cards when possible, which was in a lot of places.

Best weather/worst weather?

AMY: Worst=Beijing. It was FREEZING!

JOHN: Best weather was in Australia, Spain, and the south of France. Bright, sunny, and warm.

Any brushes with the law?

JOHN: Not technically. We did get “detained” at Immigration in New Zealand, but only because we didn’t have a ticket out of the country. They made us fire up our laptops and buy a ticket while being held in Customs no-man’s-land. That’s as bad as it got.

Did you find keeping the blog a pleasure or burden or a little of both?

JOHN: There were times we put pressure on ourselves to get something posted (if it had been some time), but I wouldn’t call it a burden. It’s been fun, and a good creative outlet. I enjoyed writing, and Amy enjoyed sorting through the photos. And we loved getting feedback, and looking at the stats and seeing just how many people were following us on this journey. That was the real reward.

If you could revisit only three places in your lifetime, where would you go?

JOHN: Japan for the culture, Cambodia for the beach, and Botswana for the animals. All very different, and all very different from the USA.

AMY: Spain because it has everything: Beautiful beaches, bucolic countryside, vibrant cities and amazing food. Japan because it’s awesome. And New Zealand because it’s like no other place I’ve seen…absolutely breath-taking. And Botswana. Sorry, I picked four.

JOHN: Ooh. Spain. Put that on my list as well. That’s my fourth.

If you could go back to anywhere you’ve been for only one day, where would it be?

JOHN: Since it’s only one day, I’d go to San Sebastian and go pintxo hopping and drink Rioja and txacoli. Other places I’d want more time. I mean, I’d want more time in San Sebastian as well, but given a day, I’ll take it.

AMY: Ditto. Plus, there’s a beach in San Sebastian, too!

If you could give me best day of your journey, the best place you stayed, the best meal, and best activity what would it be? It can all be from one location or many different!

AMY: Best Place We Stayed: In our campervan, Chuck, in the South Island of New Zealand. Best Breakfast: The hotel in Bali with the freshest eggs I ever had. And delicious Balinese coffee, too! Lunch: Martin Baserategui in Spain. Dinner: Tapas hopping in San Sebastian or finding this hidden Japanese/Italian fusion restaurant in Sapporo, Picchu. Best Activity: Game Walk in Botswana or the Palio in Siena.

JOHN: Best stay: the Bali hotel. Best meal: Pintxo hopping in San Sebastian, particularly Cuchara de San Telmo. Best Activity: Running with the bulls in Pamplona, or the safari game drive in Botswana.

What was the most boring place you visited?

AMY: Kuala Lumpur.

JOHN: Yeah, we found it kind of dull, other than the Petronas Towers. It did have a really cool bird sanctuary, though, and Georgetown (in the north of Malaysia) was pretty interesting.

Where was the best hair root touch-up (for Amy)?

AMY: Japan. My NYC colorist found this salon for me since she’s Japanese and Tokyo was our first stop. The salon was lovely and everyone was so nice and they did an excellent job. Also, I have a fear of hair dye being left on my neck or in my ears. In Japanese, “pretty” and “clean” are the same word, so cleanliness is literally considered beautiful. I had no worries if all the dye was rinsed off…I knew it was!

Have you talked about what travel will be like for you in the future?

AMY: A little. I know that I don’t need to stay in fancy hotels anymore. I am a huge fan of and convert to AirBnB. And I’ll pack lighter.

JOHN: Besides the AirBnB thing, I also think we’d stay in places a bit longer and really soak them in. Towards the end of the trip, we were really just scratching the surface, not really immersing ourselves as much and kind of rushing from place to place.

Are you already planning your next adventure and where would you go?

JOHN: We won’t do anything right away, but we’ve discussed exploring our own backyard, seeing more of the USA and Canada. I’d like to see Alaska.

AMY: John has been to 49 US states. Alaska will be number 50. We’ll definitely be going to Alaska within the next year or two. But our next trip will be to Jamaica next summer…John’s nephew is having a destination wedding.

If you both had to pick only one picture from your adventure that has the most meaning, which would it be?

JOHN: That’s a good question. For me, I suppose it would be the picture of us with our bags at JFK, ready to fly away. There’s also a sort of artsy-fartsy shot I took of our two travel jackets hanging together, like a deconstructed “American Gothic,” all beat up towards the end of the trip, and ready to be packed in Japanese dry-cleaner bags from nearly a year earlier. That says a lot to me.

AMY: I love this picture of John and Mr. Ox in Cambodia. Mr. Ox is John’s same exact age but his life couldn’t be more different: He lives in this remote, beachside village with his wife, mother-in-law and FIVE KIDS. They have limited access to everything. He fought against the Khmer Rouge in the 90s. But he and John became friends and really made a connection. We still email with Ox.

I can’t believe how long you were gone – I HAVE to believe that somewhere along the way of that long journey you were just done? Were you ever like – this is too long?!

AMY: I thought it was too long from the beginning. When I travelled solo in 2008, I was gone for just over 100 days and that was perfect. But John had his heart set on a year-long trip so that’s what we planned. Then, we extended by 2 months for a couple reasons. I hit the wall somewhere in southeast Asia and was in a funk for a few days…just exhausted and burned out. But I got over it pretty quickly and settled into a groove for the rest of the trip.

JOHN: I got tired along the way, that’s for sure, but I was still excited to finish the journey as we’d planned it.

At any point did you consider cutting the adventure short and heading home earlier than planned?

AMY: Despite my above answer, no, we never considered coming home early.

JOHN: When we were living in a tent in Zimbabwe, I learned my grandmother had passed away. I would have flown home, but by the time we heard the news and made some phone calls, it was already the day of the funeral, so going home would have been a waste. But if I had gone, I would have returned to Africa and finished the trip.

Looks like you had a ton of friends on your very last leg. I’m sure it was so awesome to get to see everyone. Were you missing all that alone time you had? Or were you so ready for some good company?

AMY: We’ve had plenty of time together these past 14 months. We were both really excited to see our friends and hear someone else’s stories for a change!

JOHN: Seeing friends and family was always great, and felt like a little slice of home. We had plenty of time alone together.

I remember when we did our study-abroad 25 years ago that one of the pleasures of traveling was being disconnected from the rest of the world. Things are different now…email, blog, cell phones. Is it better or worse now? Did you miss being disconnected?

JOHN: It’s great to have the choice. With our laptops and wifi, staying in touch and doing planning work was very easy. But neither of us had cell service, so staying disconnected was easy as well. It was our choice. I’d say it’s better because it’s easier to get information.

Now that you are heading home, what will you MISS about being on the road around the world?

AMY: That’s hard to answer right now. Ask me again in a few weeks. If I had to guess, I think I’ll miss trying different foods and just the adventure of it all.

JOHN: I think you learn a lot on the road – a lot of about history, culture, stupid things like TV shows overseas you enjoyed, different foods… I’ll miss discovering new things wherever we’ve been. It’s a big world.

Could you write a different haiku for each country you visited?

AMY: Hmmm…let me work on it.

JOHN: No.

Did you say ‘Big Ben, Parliament’ when in London? (ode to European Vacation)

AMY: Never saw that movie.

JOHN: Yes, I said it once or twice. But mostly I’d sing songs in my head, like “Waterloo Sunset” or “Guns of Brixton.”

Do you now need to purchase a car and will it be Cleo-clone (since they don’t sell them in US)?

JOHN: We will buy a car soon, but it won’t be a Renault Clio. It will likely be a sensible used car with more trunk space than a Renault Clio.

What would you do differently knowing what you know now? (This could be helpful for those of us who aspire to traveling the world.)

AMY: Pack less. Bring a better flashlight. Let my hair go grey so I don’t have to deal with dying it.

JOHN: Pack less. Exercise more. Spend more time in less places.

Everyone’s burning question, I’m sure – What’s next? You were done with New York before you left. You were thinking perhaps small town, Maine, et cetera. Now that you have been gone for so long, did you romanticize NYC at all? Miss it enough to return for good? If not, still thinking small town?

AMY: I have to admit, as we pulled into New York Harbor this morning, I got a little teary. It’s hard not to romanticize New York when the Freedom Tower and Lady Liberty are there to welcome you home. But we’re ready for a change. I really want a little house with a front porch and a yard. That’s hard to find in Manhattan!

JOHN: As I said earlier, we’re leaning towards Maine and finding jobs there, still thinking smaller-town, settling down, getting a nice little house with a yard. There is absolutely no question that I’ll miss New York, and I’ll get nostalgic for sure. I love New York, and it’s been a huge part of my life. But we both made the decision that we wanted to slow down and get some space. It’s very easy to visit New York.

What have you learned about mankind?

JOHN: Well, we met so many friendly people everywhere we went, and had so many great discussions. I’d say that despite our differences, everybody’s basically the same – they want to live peacefully, provide for their families, and have a good laugh. It makes you realize you don’t need much to be happy.

AMY: I agree with what John said. Even though we may look different, wear different clothes, speak a different language, worship a different god…people from around the world are more similar than they are different.

This post is tough to write, because I don’t know where to start, or where it’s going, or how it’s going to end. All I know is that this whole thing – 14 months on the road – is practically over. I guess that’s where the ending lies.

We’re currently sitting in Southampton, in southern England, ready to board the boat that will get us home to New York on Wednesday the 19th. We’re excited about a relaxing week at sea, and no flights, and no jetlag, and to top it off, my parents are joining us for the final leg of the journey. After that comes the holidays – Thanksgiving in Upstate New York, Christmas in Philly – plus a number of doctors appointments and housekeeping visits back in NYC.

What comes next is the big mystery. We’re currently homeless, and unemployed. Hell, we don’t even have phone service in the US. We’re basically off the grid. The job hunt and search for housing has begun to be a priority.

How do you summarize a fourteen-month global tour into a few short paragraphs? The inevitable question is going to be, “So…how was it?!”

“Um…unbelievable?”

I mean, I don’t even know what to say. It’s an experience we’ll never have again (not in this manner, anyway). It was truly the trip of a lifetime.

We traveled to 42 countries (not counting Hong Kong), and so far, almost 75000 miles – roughly three times around the globe.

We bungee-jumped, we ran with the bulls, I lost a tooth on the Great Wall of China, Amy got her hair dyed on five continents, we bowled on five continents, we saw the Grand Sumo Finals in Tokyo, we traveled through Botswana in a dugout canoe, we saw bodies cremated on the banks of the Ganges, we bathed in the Ganges to cleanse our souls (hundreds of miles upstream from the cremations, mind you), we went to the World Cup and Tour de France, we saw a bullfight, we saw “The Big Five” on safari, we saw a dude pick up a hooker; we saw the Taj Mahal, Angkor Wat, La Sagrada Familia, and the Carrefour superstore; we bathed naked in Japanese baths, I ate something called a “1000 year-old egg,” we took a helicopter to the top of a glacier, we rode the world’s fastest elevator, we got attacked by monkeys, we saw Lynyrd Skynyrd in concert, we saw Neil Diamond in concert, and I got fleas petting a strange dog in Thailand.

And that was just the first day.

So after all of this, what can we tell you we’ve learned along the way?

• Well,… first off, don’t pet strange dogs.
• Also, there are never enough hooks in hotel bathrooms.
• Don’t order the biryani in Myanmar, or at least carry antibiotics.
• Keep your iPhone in your pocket at all times.
• If you order a lemonade in the UK, you’ll get a 7UP.
• International postal service actually works everywhere, it’s the speed that varies.
• Chinese crazy glue is only slightly good for repairing dental work.
• If you have decent wifi, you can watch the Philadelphia Eagles anywhere, even in Thailand.
• A bar filled with old men is always a good, cheap, local spot.
• Bring a flashlight, a whistle, and a bottle opener: the first to spot monkeys outside your tent, the middle for scaring monkeys away, and the last for celebrating after.
• When sitting naked in a Japanese bathhouse, keep your eyes front, mister.
• With enough consumption, your armpits can smell like curry in India or Guinness in Ireland.
• There are not enough two-player card games.

• $20 is sometimes a reasonable price for a cocktail, particularly when it’s at a hotel bar with a nice, clean, private, emergency toilet.
• Niagara Falls is only the third-best set of falls. Sorry, America.

• The Japanese love to sing the Carpenters at karaoke. Sorry, Journey.
• You can only see so many cathedrals before getting burned out. Sorry, God.
• Bring a camera to the restroom – there’s always something interesting in there.

• Don’t hang a light-colored swimsuit to dry on a rusty nail, certainly not in the crotch.
• Americans are a loud bunch, and say “awesome!” a lot. The younger ones wear unbearably skinny or sagging jeans, the older ones wear NFL licensed sweatshirts over a collared shirt, and sensible footwear.
• You quickly get used to a woman cleaning the men’s room while you use the urinal. It almost becomes a slight thrill.
• The best museum in the world is the Museum of Ham.
• Ziploc bags are the best travel accessory you’re not using.

• Nobody knows you’ve worn the same shirt for four days except your wife, and sometimes you can sneak that past her, too.
• The European Heineken is honestly different than the American one, and it’s much better.
• If you want to get things done in China, sometimes you have to shove an old lady.

I guess that’s a start, anyway. I’m sure we’ll have more insights as time goes on. In the meantime, tomorrow we climb on board the boat that will carry us to our next adventure: new jobs, a new home, and a new chapter in our lives. But we’ll always carry the memories of what has been an overwhelming experience for both of us.

As tremendous as this trip has been, we’re both excited to get home, see our families, celebrate the holidays, and start moving forward. Plus, we’ve got about 20 boxes of stuff we sent home that we need to dig through and sort out, including what will invariably be pounds of useless crap that cost us hundreds of dollars to ship across the globe (I’m looking at you, beer caps). It’s been said many times before – the best part of any trip is getting home, and we’re ready for that moment.

So, until we see you on the other side of the ocean on the 19th… AHOY!!

In the past thirteen months, we’ve eaten some pretty interesting meals in some pretty exotic places. We’ve eaten some really good things, some pretty disgusting things, and we’ve dined in some fairly fascinating places. To be fair, most of these were in the Far East, but they’ve been fascinating nonetheless.

For example, if you were an early follower of our blog, you’ll recall the freshly-caught abalone and conch we ate on Jeju Island in South Korea.

We also ate fantastic street food in Vietnam, including our Christmas Day food tour, and outstanding banh mi in Hanoi and Hoi An.

In Kyoto, I ate a few delicious “takotamago” in the food stalls – a quail egg shoved inside a tiny grilled octopus head.

And in Taipei, we literally caught and ate our own shrimps at a carnival-like stand in the local market. It was pretty awesome.

But not every meal is going to be some kind of Anthony Bourdain street-meat experience either. We’ve also eaten at some really good restaurants along the way, particularly as we got to Europe. And why not?

For example, last week, Amy and I celebrated two big milestones: our 400th day on the road, and, coincidentally, our third wedding anniversary. So we went out to a fancy dinner in Edinburgh, at a Michelin one-star. And a few nights ago in Dublin, we had reservations at another Michelin-starred restaurant. We can’t take a trip around and world and not go to a few nice restaurants while we have the chance, right? So every once in a while, we’ll splurge on an upscale meal.

One of the more interesting details in all this is our living out of duffel bags. We’ve spent thirteen months traveling the world, and we’ve tried to be prepared for any event, including the need to dress up. But it’s not like we’ve got a massive wardrobe on the road. So every place we go, I wear the same blue blazer, and the same wrinkled shirt and green khakis that I’ve tried to steam flat while taking a shower. It never works.

Amy, on the other hand, wears the same $20 Old Navy dress, accented with some nice jewelry, and perhaps a sweater. We’ll roll in to some fancy restaurant and walk in, looking like we just slept in our clothes, and announce our grand arrival: “Hello, we have reservations!” I can only imagine the stuffy maître d’, thinking to himself, “I have reservations of my own, sir…”

But what I find most interesting about this fine dining experience is the whole showiness of it all. There’s a real act that goes on, this unspoken façade of grandeur that both the restaurant and the diners put on. We take part in it, but it cracks me up.

Like when they bring out the wine list. I always just hand it to Amy, because when I look at this list of over 100 different wines, I’m overwhelmed, and honestly, I don’t care. All I know is I want a decent bottle of red, probably Spanish, and for no more than fifty bucks. But that’s not how it works. The sommelier comes over, we discuss the meal, and then we all act like this is a very serious matter, and the various properties of the wine, the hints of chocolate and blueberries, how long it’s been sitting in the oak barrels (French or American?), and whether it pairs nicely with a small bite of duck that’s sitting on a freeze-dried beetroot wafer.

I don’t want to sound like some kind of unrefined jackass, but I feel like saying, “I imagine all the wine you’ve got on this list is good, right fella?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then I’ll take this one, the one I can’t pronounce. I plan on getting tipsy by dessert.”
“Right away, sir!!”

Then the staff starts to put down the appropriate silverware for the starter. It’s always some kind of scallop in a really delicious sauce of something green. So there’s the fish knife, and a smaller fork, and a spoon for the delicious sauce, all there for you to eat one small scallop. Oooh! Which utensil do I use?!

For me, it’s pretty easy. I pick up the fork, stab the scallop, and shove it in. Delicious, always. I love scallops, and for the most part they’re always beautifully prepared and the sauce is great. Fish knife and spoon are left unscathed. Back in the drawer with you two. And another glass of that Spanish wine, please. But of course I can’t pour it myself, because that would be wrong. I’m not to be trusted. Not in that wrinkled shirt, anyway.

Next comes the second course. Again, likely some fish, perhaps two small pieces of red snapper stacked in some kind of a red sauce. Very delicate. Out comes the next fork and fish knife. This time, I use both the fork and fish knife, because you’ve got to cut this fish into a few bite-sized pieces. But sadly, the fish is presented in some kind of wide rimmed dish with a very deep bowl in the center, so you need to make the cut at just the right angle or risk a piece of snapper sliding around in the sauce and sailing across the table, landing in a wide open piece of real estate on the pristine white table cloth, right next to the flower arrangement. I know this from experience. That’s where the fork comes in handy to clean up the detritus on the table. Then the waiter has to come over and put another layer of white napkin over the stained area so everything is presentable again, and with it comes my first apology of the evening. “Er…Sorry about that…” Time for another glass of wine, poured by a well-groomed albeit pimply kid in a tuxedo. (Never say “Garcon.” Never. They don’t like that.)

With the completion of every course, a member of staff will come over to clear the table. When they collect the plates, the French waiter will ask, “And ‘ow wuss your deesh?”
Me: “Fantastic.”
Amy: “Delicious!”
No matter what the dish, whether it was good or not, whether it was the best thing ever or it tasted like soap, Amy and I are somehow pre-programed to make these responses.
“Did you enjoy the foie gras?”
Me: “Fantastic.”
Amy: “Delicious!”
“Did you enjoy the leeks and carrot foam?”
Me: “Fantastic.”
Amy: “Delicious!”
“Did you enjoy your McNuggets?”
Me: “Fantastic.”
Amy: “Delicious!”

We need to get a new schtick. The waiter will also take out his “crumber” to clear all the breadcrumbs off the tablecloth. Amy’s bread plate looks immaculate, with a few small crumbs and a little dab of butter. My bread plate and the surrounding area look like the bombing of Dresden, with massive flakes and crumbs scattered all over, and a glob of butter rubbed into the tablecloth under one side of the plate. Again: “Er…sorry about that…” Not to be trusted.

Invariably the meat course will come out, sometimes duck in a wine reduction with some pureed parsnips, and sometimes venison in a wine reduction with some pureed parsnips. Other times you’ll actually get a small piece of steak in a wine reduction with pureed parsnips.

This always needs to be bigger. I’m not talking about the old ‘96er here, but I’d like more than two bites, because duck, venison, or steak, it’s always damn good and I want more of it. And here’s another thing: the wine reduction is nice and sweet and yummy and then it runs into the parsnip puree, and it creates these pink gelatinous globs of flavor that I just can’t pick up with the fork, and so it’s spread in a thin layer in the corners of the dish, and you didn’t give me a spoon with this course, and damnit, if I was at home, I’d just pick up my Crate and Barrel plate and lick this delicious mess clean!

“Did you enjoy the venison?”
Me: “Fantastic.”
Amy: “Delicious!”
Time for another glass of Spanish Red, poured by a guy I’ve now nicknamed “Spanish Red,” despite his clearly being French.

Now it’s dessert time, but not before a small tray of four tiny cookies the size of mints is placed before us. This one is walnut, this one is cinnamon, this one is oatmeal, and this one is shortbread. We inhale them.

“Would you like to pair a dessert wine with the next course?”
(Here we go again, positions everyone…)
“What do you suggest?”
“Well, perhaps you’d like a sauternes, or a white port? Maybe a cognac is more to your liking?”
“Yes, of course, since I’ve chosen the mango compote passion-fruit sorbet with white chocolate shavings and raspberry syrup, I believe I have no option but to choose the white port with this, because it’s the second one you mentioned, I’ve heard of it, and I’m pretty sure I had it before, and I think I might have even liked it!”
“Right away, sir!”

The dessert, no matter what, is always fantastic and delicious (of course), and it’s just as you’re finishing dessert that the chef comes out to greet the room. I’m normally dipping my napkin in the water glass just as he walks up to our table, because I’ve got to clean an errant drop of red raspberry syrup off my shirt pocket. This is why I’m not allowed to pour the wine. We’re greeted:
“Good evening!”
Amy and I, in unison: “Hello, Chef!”
(we’ve clearly seen too much Food Network).
“Did you enjoy the meal?”
Me: “Fantastic.”
Amy: “Delicious!”
“Great. What was your favorite dish?”
Me: “I really liked the veal.”
“You liked the veal?”
Me: “Yes, it was…”
Chef: “Which veal?”
Amy: “You mean the venison?”
Me: “Of course, the venison, that’s what I meant…FAN-tastic.”
(and memorable!)
“And you, miss?”
Amy: “I really enjoyed the red snapper. And the dessert was great. I also really found the wine pairings very interesting, especially the pairing of the…
(As Amy continues, this is where I notice that I also have a big red splotch of raspberry syrup on my right hand as well, the hand I just used to shake with the chef. I hide my hand under the table).
“And where are you from?”
“We’re from New York.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful. You’re on holiday?”
“Yes, it’s been great.”
“Are you staying at the (insert name of fancy boutique hotel here)?”
“No, we’re at the (insert name of cheap tourist hotel here).”
“Oh, yes, well…that’s very nice.”

The meal has come to a close, and we get the check. With it comes a pair of canneles. These delectable French treats are like little carmelized rubber bullets you eat in two bites. Delicious rubber bullets, though, with a moist inside and semi-crunchy carmelized exterior. It’s probably my favorite part of the meal, with the exception of the veal. Er, the venison. We pay and stand up to leave the table. I notice my shirt is somehow untucked. I have no idea how. I turn and tuck it in quickly, but of course, we’re in the middle of the room, and there’s no suave way to do this. We go to gather our coats.

As I help Amy put her coat on, the coat-check girl asks us the inevitable:
“How was your meal?”
Me: “Fantastic.”
Amy: “Delicious!”
Time to get the shirt cleaned, then fold it and pack it in the duffle bag with the green khakis.