Homeward Bound

This post is tough to write, because I don’t know where to start, or where it’s going, or how it’s going to end. All I know is that this whole thing – 14 months on the road – is practically over. I guess that’s where the ending lies.

We’re currently sitting in Southampton, in southern England, ready to board the boat that will get us home to New York on Wednesday the 19th. We’re excited about a relaxing week at sea, and no flights, and no jetlag, and to top it off, my parents are joining us for the final leg of the journey. After that comes the holidays – Thanksgiving in Upstate New York, Christmas in Philly – plus a number of doctors appointments and housekeeping visits back in NYC.

What comes next is the big mystery. We’re currently homeless, and unemployed. Hell, we don’t even have phone service in the US. We’re basically off the grid. The job hunt and search for housing has begun to be a priority.

How do you summarize a fourteen-month global tour into a few short paragraphs? The inevitable question is going to be, “So…how was it?!”

“Um…unbelievable?”

I mean, I don’t even know what to say. It’s an experience we’ll never have again (not in this manner, anyway). It was truly the trip of a lifetime.

We traveled to 42 countries (not counting Hong Kong), and so far, almost 75000 miles – roughly three times around the globe.

We bungee-jumped, we ran with the bulls, I lost a tooth on the Great Wall of China, Amy got her hair dyed on five continents, we bowled on five continents, we saw the Grand Sumo Finals in Tokyo, we traveled through Botswana in a dugout canoe, we saw bodies cremated on the banks of the Ganges, we bathed in the Ganges to cleanse our souls (hundreds of miles upstream from the cremations, mind you), we went to the World Cup and Tour de France, we saw a bullfight, we saw “The Big Five” on safari, we saw a dude pick up a hooker; we saw the Taj Mahal, Angkor Wat, La Sagrada Familia, and the Carrefour superstore; we bathed naked in Japanese baths, I ate something called a “1000 year-old egg,” we took a helicopter to the top of a glacier, we rode the world’s fastest elevator, we got attacked by monkeys, we saw Lynyrd Skynyrd in concert, we saw Neil Diamond in concert, and I got fleas petting a strange dog in Thailand.

And that was just the first day.

So after all of this, what can we tell you we’ve learned along the way?

• Well,… first off, don’t pet strange dogs.
• Also, there are never enough hooks in hotel bathrooms.
• Don’t order the biryani in Myanmar, or at least carry antibiotics.
• Keep your iPhone in your pocket at all times.
• If you order a lemonade in the UK, you’ll get a 7UP.
• International postal service actually works everywhere, it’s the speed that varies.
• Chinese crazy glue is only slightly good for repairing dental work.
• If you have decent wifi, you can watch the Philadelphia Eagles anywhere, even in Thailand.
• A bar filled with old men is always a good, cheap, local spot.
• Bring a flashlight, a whistle, and a bottle opener: the first to spot monkeys outside your tent, the middle for scaring monkeys away, and the last for celebrating after.
• When sitting naked in a Japanese bathhouse, keep your eyes front, mister.
• With enough consumption, your armpits can smell like curry in India or Guinness in Ireland.
• There are not enough two-player card games.

Am I winning?

• $20 is sometimes a reasonable price for a cocktail, particularly when it’s at a hotel bar with a nice, clean, private, emergency toilet.
• Niagara Falls is only the third-best set of falls. Sorry, America.

Best Falls Award-Iguazu Falls, Argentina

• The Japanese love to sing the Carpenters at karaoke. Sorry, Journey.
• You can only see so many cathedrals before getting burned out. Sorry, God.
• Bring a camera to the restroom – there’s always something interesting in there.

Korea Toilet Association…who knew?

• Don’t hang a light-colored swimsuit to dry on a rusty nail, certainly not in the crotch.
• Americans are a loud bunch, and say “awesome!” a lot. The younger ones wear unbearably skinny or sagging jeans, the older ones wear NFL licensed sweatshirts over a collared shirt, and sensible footwear.
• You quickly get used to a woman cleaning the men’s room while you use the urinal. It almost becomes a slight thrill.
• The best museum in the world is the Museum of Ham.
• Ziploc bags are the best travel accessory you’re not using.

I heart Ziplocs!

• Nobody knows you’ve worn the same shirt for four days except your wife, and sometimes you can sneak that past her, too.
• The European Heineken is honestly different than the American one, and it’s much better.
• If you want to get things done in China, sometimes you have to shove an old lady.

I guess that’s a start, anyway. I’m sure we’ll have more insights as time goes on. In the meantime, tomorrow we climb on board the boat that will carry us to our next adventure: new jobs, a new home, and a new chapter in our lives. But we’ll always carry the memories of what has been an overwhelming experience for both of us.

As tremendous as this trip has been, we’re both excited to get home, see our families, celebrate the holidays, and start moving forward. Plus, we’ve got about 20 boxes of stuff we sent home that we need to dig through and sort out, including what will invariably be pounds of useless crap that cost us hundreds of dollars to ship across the globe (I’m looking at you, beer caps). It’s been said many times before – the best part of any trip is getting home, and we’re ready for that moment.

So, until we see you on the other side of the ocean on the 19th… AHOY!!